2001-02-14 - 23:15:32

well well then.

so i'm a lousy friend to mark.

and i'm kinda sick.

and i'm very horney but not sure exactly what i plan to do about it bc

well i'm me

and i'm glad i am. it gives me all these great reminders of why i'm not quite ready for "real" sex.

i have enough fear or timidity with everything else. and it's maddening. frustrating. because i AM enjoying myself so much- but as comfortable as i am with bryan - more so then anyone ever- i'm not yet at the point where i can initiate self centered type activity for myself. basically, I'm just explaining.

so hopefully mindy, mark, bryan and I can hang out at some point this weekend, or some combination of those four, and then mark can stop reaming me for being such a bad person and using him as a fall back friend. question- if i'm such a bad friend for doing that (which a. i'm not and b. he does to me) then WHY does he want to be friends with me? not sure he does. I think its more he likes me wanting his friednship and the power of being the wounded one.

fine. whatever, i tried. it wasnt enough for him, so be it. I will mourn a dear friend alone.

on another note v-day seems to be passing with nary a word from stalker boy and this is good bc that i feared. :)

and later i get to chill with bryan and do dinner and play.... :)

his presense is such a comfort- as well as incendiary device. :P such a amazing dude. :)

-bsg-

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