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My Last Thesis Journal

Le Mage Journal

2001-02-15 - 19:52:17

hey there pessimist. :P i'm sure you can understand my growing hesitancy to press my physically boundries with you- maybe we talk and it would help? either way- i'm some kinda emotional masochist because even if you hurt me i wont go away. i like you. the more i get to know you the more i like. and i wont stop liking you if/when you do something ot hurt me- i'm quite dumb that way. :)


Its how i was raised. i feel everything to be my fault.

its weird how bryan has all these issues with women becuase of his mother etc. I was raised with no father figure so i really dont have any issues per se with men- just not sure how to deal with them all the time. blank slate like.


so with bryan's increasingly pessimistic premonitions that i seem to be powerless to affect simply becuase i have declined intercourse thus far- he could convince me he's right. and if i try to convince him he's wrong i may mislead him into more intensity then i feel yet. it may not be the right time for him to have a realtionship that isnt intense emotionally and very very close physically. if so thats sad. because it would be fun. i'v been having fun so far. a lot actually. :) and it has been a "college" relationship or whatever- so? i do my supportiveness and i get a body to play with and someone to care about- i am not expecting or going to be disapointed if i dont spend 6 months or 6 years with bryan. if it is, it is. and if i only get 3 or 4 mellow fun months i'd still be happy. part of why i won't open up is so i cant be hurt. the inner beth core that NO ONE sees and no one touches.

there's these four shells of people- outtermost is most people i come into contact with- they dont even brush the surface of who i really am. my roomates. my stepfather. people walking by.

the third level is people i may not see too often but i am close to.

second level is all the people deep inside of me. my mom, bryan, mindy, diane, mark. they get in so deep that they can do a lot- but the first level , the tightest core around who i am is empty because no one gets in there. and my friends often think they do becuase the last 2 levels are so close. i can open up and tel someone everything about me and trust them and care about them (mark) but they aren't inside of me.

some kinda virgen metaphor there i bet.

ah whatever. i'm bouncing of bryan's entry of the day, taking his intorpsective mood and its not nessecary. when in doubt, do the next thing. go with it. the dude abides. take what you can get, expect nothing.

"blah blah blah blah"- cruel intentions

i'm not looking to hide from all pain, i'm not looking for true love. i am happy somewhere in between.

dont be fooled though- i'm in a fine mood :) there's a little voice in the back of my head with a pretty good suggestion and i just may take bryan up on it.

-bsg-

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