2001-02-26 - 19:03:28

emotional masochist.

and i know what might happen in the long run. It will be to prevent me from hurting.

so as much as I am an idealist i need to keep practicing so that i can be who i want to be. like picking open a scab over and over till ity leaves a scar so i can remeber what i did in the first place.

i refuse to be happy- right now- which is why when everything is going so well i have to concentrate very very hard on the whole picture.

and who i dont want to be.

so bryans toga party was highly cool-

not only because in unitentionaly stood naked in a room of strangers in fair to dim lighting-

but becuase of bryan. not attatched- simply appreciative. patience and positive reinforcemnt WILL get you everywhere.

i refuse to be sweet, or cute, or nice.

I am a very selfish and greedy person myself with a twisted way of dealing with it. I GET what i want. I just want weird and simple things. like being able to be nice to someone. its this ideal distraction from all the self stuff. above and beyond the pureness of it in terms of what i'd rather be doing.

ie. if i had my choice- i'd rather be petting someone else. preferably the highly petable bryan. becuase he treats people fairly. kindly even, the ones he deems worthy. which is why he gets this following i think. i don't fall into categories like that. so right now i'm not worried. in fact

i think i may actually let myself bask some more.

bask bask bask bask

becuase also he knows spathic and bushmills.

bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask

bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask bask

and mindy is mindy. hopefully she has a john and hopefully she will be happy. and i can stop worrying about her. in all senses of the word.

rolling along, taking it as it comes,

eqaunimity, non plussed, enjoying what i can get, not expecting another second but basking in every moment i get, trying to do the right things so i can think back and still feel the whole time as happily as i do now, the world doesnt have to end, the fall may never come and even if it does that means i get laid. ;)

that was kinda cool.

:)

-bsg-

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