2001-02-27 - 05:57:26

ug i really hope this is just stress or being tired. becuase i ADR. ain't doin right. this isnt me, to be all down and sad. eh blame PMS? who knows. especially with me.

so i have to call mindy and EXPLAIN A FEW THINGS.

but its too late now.

and i'd rather not explain how sometimes i get immature and selfish and dotn want her playing with bryan if i'm not there. and i'm fgetting this mad weird vibe- i dont know why- its right off of her- i thought it was just me but then in the lab today i felt it again- like she narrows her eyes at me and her brain realigns and she thinks less of me.

mindy- i feel wholey inferior to you- you are one of the few people i feel insecure around. plus you take a lot attention. which is fun , i like giving but sometime swhne i pay any attention to you, it seems like you immediatly cease to return the attention. in this situation only. i'm not sure this isnt all just me being paranoid about how cool you are and how the whole world will wake up one day and realize that anything thye like in me is in you 10 fold and more.

on the other hand i'm not you-

ug i hate admiting this shit

i could be happy in a monogamous relationship. But i dont want to restrict any one like that- i dont worry about it however except when i find the third person superior to myself.

I guess thats true. I know Abi wasn't superior to me with puck. I knew kat and annie weren't better then me-

i know this whole issue probably is giving bryan quite a bad idea of me- all talk and then taking it back but I'm not.

i dont think so at least. i want eveyrone to be happy. even me. so i'm working on it. so i dont want to be left out- which is all i was trying to say to mindy today. i know i sounded flustered and insane but i am kinda. i have all this research to do for my mother and this hugely emotional article coming out wednesday and so on.

excuses. enough.

my apologies if messed everyone else up in my brain/emotion spasms. I am sorry.

the person i want to talk to this about is mark. but i'm afraid either he'd not listen or he'd confirm my fears as he already did today holding mindy up as better then me in all ways. i dont want to hear that even if i think its true myself. he'd apply logic and come out with the truth, and cut through my stupid insanity till we saw what was wrong which IS me being silly and probably hormonal or something. for that matter i have a fever so can i PLEASE blame this all on that? excuses excuses.

i'm not as upset as all this sounds, not as insane either :P i have just had a lot of time today to think. Problem with bouncing stuff aournd only inside my head it is magnifies and distorts instead of clarifying and refining.

mwahahaha

i have flowers at bryans house.

i have a mom and a grandmother at home who think i can do something damn well.

i can wake up tomorow and look myself in the mirror and not regret more then i did yesterday.

i have some DAMN good mp3's :)

-bsg-

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