2001-04-11 - 9:06 p.m.

the first step to doing somehting about procrastination is admiting it.

I AM PROCRASTINATING!

-bsg-

it is increasingly hard to concentrate on anything when i have this huge thing

gnawing inside of me that wants to lash out at what pricks me day to day.

my temper is shorter then ever before and my concetration is shot.

i do not ever rest- even the mindless stupourours post orgasmic

faux death does not stop my mind from cycling endlessly till i finally drift off to

scarier dreams. i dont believe in roamnce right now- i am the ultimate cynic.

hard and creased with needs and wants and wishes of the world and things i cant ever be and people i can never love.

and then people i do actually care about i hurt- that just sucks.

I hate crying, i dont cry yet in the past week i'v cried twice. once i was lucky enough to be stopped before i started spinning into more self hatred.

the other is wholey unresolved and as i sit i tremble in repressed pain and yes, anger.

i need friends now-

i am a fool who takes things to heart and wants desprately for friendship to mean i can stop being ever so paranoid that i will lose your friendship.

and i have no idea where you're coming from becuase you wont tell me and any way i ask is wrong. i told bryan last night that i could handle "this".

it was a lot to say- i meant i can accept not seeing him for a day or a weeknd and not miss him painfully but miss him enough to be very gladdened when he returns.

and i think i have that right.

so if i can get oen thing right

why oh why can't i ever uphold a simple

friendship?

and diane and her spiro- micheal- mike issues are truly troubleing

becuase she asks for the truth and i see only bad things but i hope i hope i hope for the very best for her

and that saddens me more.

on the plus side it distracts me from my own rampant guilt.

who am i to distain love?

who am i to be so high and busy and special and take all these good things and not expect to have to pay my pound of flesh or,

pint of blood? no that wont suffice i know i 'll have to pay in salt water and bruises on my torso and ass

where i got bucked around in the western saddle last night when injin spooked and i hit the horn-

hard- and now the blue black marks bear silent testemant to my suffering-

i feel BETTER now then i did before-

pain is some outlet to all the shit that i picked up-

i wont claim it was dumped on me- i accept guilt/blame responsibility

The past 12 months
18 months past
24 months past
36 months past
48 months past