2001-04-12 - 12:57 p.m.

counting crows

round here

Step out the front door like a ghost

into the fog where no one notices

the contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you

the angels get a better view

of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain,

through myself and back again.

Where?

I don't know

Maria says she's dying.

Through thedoor, I hear her crying

Why?

I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight

Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand

She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis

She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land

Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

She parks her car outside of my house,

takes her clothes off,

Says she's close to understanding Jesus

She knows she's more that just a little misunderstood

She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here we're carving out our names

Round here we all look the same

Round here we talk just like lions

But we sacrifice like lambs

Round here she's slipping through my hands

Sleeping children got to run like the wind

Out of the lightning dream

Mama's little baby better get herself in

Out of the lightning

She says, "It's only in my head."

She says, "Shhh....I know it's only in my head."

But the girl on the car in the parking lot

says: "Man, you should try to take a shot

Can't you see my walls are crumbling."

Then she looks up at the building

and says she's thinking of jumping.

She says she's tired of life;

she must be tired of something.

Round here she's always on my mind

Round here I got lots of time

Round here we're never sent to bed early

Nobody makes us wait

Round here we stay up very very late

i'm pretty sure you're avoiding the point- you don't know me all that well yet-

not to the point they did- craig, kat, chris, puck, where they loved me-

and then when they were that close and they could see everything i was they saw

somehting they couldnt like and went away. more reasons to never get

emotionally attatched. i dont ever change but people seem to percieve me

differently after a time- alwyas when i felt most secure.

diane doesnt know all of me which is why i cant take comfort in her. meredith

knows much less. same with all the rest- mindy is as close as its possible to

come to someone who knows me and doesnt reject me and i have no idea why.

i am about to try working on my paper but i have computer science then a

meeting with the dean then more computer science.

dont get to know me please so then you wont go away?

i'm really not THAT upset about it but its just so meladramatic of a thing to

have hanging over me- "eveyrone who knows me well rejects me" whatever.

from salon.com...

The reality is that She can be jealous and stubborn, even irritating at times. She works hard, and for years made far more money than I. She leaves her stuff scattered everywhere and tends to throw herself into creative projects that keep her up till all hours of the night. Some of that is charming; some of it is not. She has a sharp mind and can be alternately shy or boisterous. She is, in short, much more than the object of my sexual yearnings. But that's what this piece is about.

She's barely 5 feet tall and has big round eyes, a shy smile and a sweetness in her nature that makes people think she is somehow innocent. I know better. I have had her hold me down and fuck the daylights out of me while I protested that my wife would be home any minute. She just laughed.

I know for a fact that she has seduced her brother, spanked her husband and taken another woman to bed just for fun. I know because I was there -- I was those other people. And She is my wife. You see, She likes men and is amused by our predictability. She knows we can't help ourselves. We are drawn to legs and breasts and shapely bottoms, and should we fail to notice them, she will point them out for us. Her own body is not perfect. Her chief complaint is that her legs are too short and her bottom too big. And just this once I won't lie: She's right. But it's those things that melt my heart when I watch her get dressed in the morning. You see, I love women, most of all Her.

I always felt like an honest effort was worth the risk, but why put yourself through all that -- to say nothing of the other person -- if you know it won't work? Some people seem to be able to treat sex very casually. I'm not one of those who call it "making love" -- it's fucking, screwing, balling, doing the nasty -- but I still think it's powerful stuff. If I could spend a night with Lena Olin and no one would ever find out about it, no one would be hurt, would I do it? Yes, under those circumstances, but in real life there are lots of unexpected and unintended consequences.

I chose not to follow up on any incidents , but it wasn't uncertainty that held me back. It was certainty. The certainty that She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The certainty that no one will love me harder, longer or sweeter than she does.

I'd be a fool to fuck that up.

I despise men who hide their marriages from single women. More to the point, I find that most women are loath to interfere in a happy, long-standing relationship.

I made it sound as if I were much wiser in my dating years than I really was. To be certain, I did things I'm not proud of. I caused a lot of needless pain, to the girls I dated and to myself. But, hey, I was just a kid.

I was deep in thought, staring into the middle distance, when a woman who happened to step into that middle distance broke my train of thought with her one-word response. I said, charming as ever, "What?" She looked me straight in the eye and said it again -- "Yes" -- then tossed her head and walked away.

-bsg-

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