2001-05-13 - 10:46 p.m.

maybe a move will be good

because somehow nothing on earth is as dark and lonely as my room here alone- its like this isolated tower that no light can reach- every sound is sadder here. I never feel more scared then when I am here and its night and no one would hear me

fear not ya'll- I am fine. its just this weird phenomena- probabaly related in no small way to the history of the house. my room is what used to be three bedrooms, and the master bathroom. it still has a lot of the original walls and roof, plus

mr. mathews, who built this house, and brought his wife here and raised his sons here, died here. so its just a weird vibe.

well

on friday I got to the barn with bryan which rocked. :)

and thus did the whole weekend. i had fun doing stupid trivial stuff with bryan and being randomly silly. i realized that this porbably wont happen again becuase of him having to do friday backups so i dont know what the rea plan is yet but

i enjoyed every moment while i had them. so much goodness! so much i adore in bryan especially. with him i am fixing parts of me i didint know were broken and filling in gaps of myself i didnt know i had, no sexual ineundo intended. but that too :)

else? not really- brainstorming ideas for camp.

and now

i dont want to sleep (((((((alone))))))))) or stop and look around i just want to live now becuase everytime i sneak peek at now its so rare and good i am afraid if i look closer it will all vanish

and i just

who knows- I'm happy. its a rare and wondruous thing.

:)

-bsg-

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