2001-05-21 - 11:12 p.m.

HA! Josh expected his scary thing to scare conscious me. nothing that isnt human can scare me much it seems. i know about the holocaust. honestly its one of the few topics i dont find much humor in. but i can understand to some extent that others do- the need to mitigate horror with humor is good- the need to lessen it, deaden its claws, i get that. but i can fully conceptualize horror. i'm afraid of americans, i';m afraid of the world, everyone in it and everything else besides. I am afraid of your mother, and my own. i am afraid of myself.

But i get to live- so i know there are worse things- death isnt worse- human nature is.

Do you remeber lullabies? picnics? deep silly conversations - useless gestures-

sorry i watched the anne frank movie on tv tonight- it always gets me a bit cynical and scared. so even though i had a nightmare last night about a clawed thigng delicatly pulling out a young girls lung while her wide dead eyes looked on- thats nothing. a clawed thing isnt commiting suicide every time it kills. i understand that the nazis were convinced they werent the same as the people they were killing, the same way the racist kids at my mothers schol dont think blacks are the same as them- but just LOOK. inside is the same. same eyes. same shape, same lips and tounge, same heart and love and shit and semen, its all the same.

i dont GET hate. i dont even get angry for any period of time. i can do bitter, or jealous, or even not helpful- but i dont do hate. i dont want anyone to really suffer or die- just go away from me. i can devise toture but i couldnt do it i dont think. some people may deserve it but i am weak- i cant do it.

whatever

bye for now with this

-bsg-

Total eclipse of the heart- a good song to sing along to in the car :)

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

Cause we'll never be wrong

Together we can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart

Turnaround bright eyes

Turnaround bright eyes

Turnaround...

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