2001-05-23 - 3:40 p.m.

My birthday.

bryan (2:11 PM): YUou have expressed not liking it that much, but it was never clear how much you disliked it...

beth (2:12 PM): when i was younger and evil i made a huge deal out of it and i could never shut up becuase i was so excited zand like all my family would cme and it was this HUGE deal and now it represents a lot of things i have done that i dont like

bryan (2:12 PM): but how can that change if you keep avoiding it?

beth (2:13 PM): i dont avoid... i keep it MINIMAL. liek i have dinne rout with my parents. last year i even gave people presents on my brithday

beth (2:13 PM): to make myself feel better

bryan (2:15 PM): you are going to havedeal with it for years still, and I can say that often, if friends find out when it is, they will do somethjign about it

beth (2:26 PM): oh cant i ust stay home?

bryan (2:28 PM): Please don't

bryan (2:28 PM): if youreally want to stay home, you can, but I do want you there

bryan (2:29 PM): we can just do nothing

beth (2:29 PM): nothing would be MUCH happier

bryan (2:29 PM): you mean not doing anything?

bryan (2:29 PM): or stayiong home?

beth (2:29 PM): i mean play mage. maybe go to dinner with my parents. relax.

bryan (2:30 PM):

beth (2:31 PM): especially if you have to work alot witht he sever thing it;ll be so busy and such.. yes?

bryan (2:31 PM): IF I need to go in, it will only be about an hour on Sunday

beth (2:33 PM): *hug*

bryan (2:33 PM): how evil were you when you were younger? WHat things you did that you don't like

bryan (2:33 PM): I am just curious why you have so much guilt

beth (2:34 PM): not evil just..... not me. like selfish. and attention getting. i have these pcitures of me as a little diva in the center of all this attention and i dont like it.

bryan (2:35 PM): why not? What about that part of you don't you like? Why are you the way you are now?

beth (2:37 PM): i like myself the way i am now much more- i wasnt very nice as a kid- i was sweet to adults and i was rea;lly really cute so i got by but somehow i never felt very good about myself. now i am a person who does volunteeer work, i am a person who gives great advice ( usually) i do not hurt people,

beth (2:37 PM): i dont knw what i am atoning for but i am doing a damn good job.

beth (2:40 PM): the closest i can coem is that i was much more like mindy

bryan (2:40 PM): I am totally different than I was as a kid... I am totally different than I was 5 years ago... we eventually become ppl who are nothing like we were when we were younger... And we shouldn't have to attone for how we were when we were kids... For what we were like when we had been given a personality by our parents...

bryan (2:41 PM): you have a great responsibity on your shoulders... not sure to what, but it is there

beth (2:41 PM): i dont know if thats what i am atoneing for- but i think bak and i dont like myself- so act differently and i dont repeat actions

beth (2:43 PM): how much do you rmeber about your childhood? like how far back do you have lots of memories?

beth (2:43 PM): i'v been curious

bryan (2:43 PM): what do you mean by a lot of memories?

beth (2:44 PM): lwell you know yo how rember next to nothing baout when you were tiny- the a few flashes of when you were in first grade and such- and then you rember last year- is it a smooth progression in between? it always feels to me like it dropps off sharply around 76th grade

beth (2:44 PM): like you grow up and forget stuff

beth (2:44 PM): plus i got sick, which didinthelp.

beth (2:44 PM): ah

bryan (2:46 PM): There is a drop off... it gets exponentially harder to remember the further back you go

bryan (2:46 PM): when did you get sick

beth (2:46 PM): 6th grade i was really depressed- i dont know which came first that or the being sick- or which caused what but i missed about a third of the year. and more then half of it was in my head, for attention.

bryan (2:48 PM): You mean you wanted attenion, weren't getting enough for yourself, and it depressed you?

beth (2:48 PM): i wasnt getting enough attention in general- i was depressed and that made it worse- so i was sick.

bryan (2:49 PM): ok, I can see that... and now you don't wantr it to happen to you agaion, so you don';t let yourslf get that much attenion?

beth (2:50 PM): i dont think about it that way much- ut its more like i made/make myself not want the attention..

bryan (2:51 PM): so that you won't end up needing attenion?

beth (2:51 PM): so that i dont need it. never mind wotn end up- i dont need it or wsant it.

bryan (2:52 PM):

beth (2:52 PM): i was a really unhappy kid arond then. i have no ideas how my mother knew what to do.

beth (2:53 PM): i look back ad i feel all this shame.

bryan (2:53 PM): why, because you weren't yet equiped to deal with adult emotions in 6th grade

beth (2:54 PM): but i am acting in ways which will allow me to be a better person than then.

beth (2:54 PM): because i reacted badly- i let myself down. the behaviors i did were abhorant

bryan (2:54 PM): like what?

beth (2:55 PM): i had a sports like water bottle with me all the time and i didnt go out- i remember spending so much time on the couch and crying in the bathroom

beth (2:55 PM): and it was such a small house

beth (2:56 PM): i coudl hear if my parents fought.

beth (2:56 PM): and they fought about me becuase what else could they do?

bryan (2:56 PM): Do they still fight?

beth (2:57 PM): sure but now at least they throw stuff

beth (2:57 PM): i enjoy it much mor this way

bryan (2:57 PM): because you can't blame yourself for this

beth (2:57 PM): i was this depressed manipulative sick persona nd no one not even me could tell where the lines ended

beth (2:58 PM): what part of me was doing it just so they;d pay attention

bryan (2:58 PM): how were you manipuilative?

beth (2:58 PM): but the worst part was i was sick too- like physically

beth (2:58 PM): manipulative in terms of playing up the pain

beth (2:59 PM): a lot. i am very very ashammed of that.

bryan (2:59 PM): Everyone does that, especially whren they ar eattenion starved

beth (3:00 PM): i was not starved for attention.

beth (3:00 PM): yes you can ttribute it to my best friend changing shcools or my mother getitng married but honestly

beth (3:00 PM): i was not at all attention starved.

bryan (3:00 PM): at about the same time?

beth (3:01 PM): those are ot excuses for my behavior- i dont care how old one is- its wrong.

bryan (3:03 PM): the only reason I ever dealt so well wiotgh the parental changes in my family is bacause I was exposesd at a young age... unless you get used to it before you really start turning into a real, thinking person, it is going to cause problems... when I was 6, I had 2 moms... If I had been 11 or 12 when it first happened, I wopuld not have deralt well wtih it

bryan (3:03 PM): and how many friends did you have then? I am curious

beth (3:04 PM): i dont know- probabaly close to zero

beth (3:04 PM): i dont know if i had katie yet or not

beth (3:04 PM): it wasnt making a diffference

bryan (3:04 PM): ok, so you are going through your mom's marriage, and your only real friend moves away... is this correct?

beth (3:05 PM): yes yes i know dude- those are valid reasons to feel lonesome or upset

bryan (3:05 PM): yeah

beth (3:05 PM): but what i did was more. it was wrong.

bryan (3:06 PM): my point is you know that now, but at the time, you acted the only way you knew how

beth (3:06 PM): that does not excuse it. or make me hve to like or repeat it.

beth (3:06 PM): i can intelectualize it fine- i cant excuse it.

bryan (3:06 PM): no, you don't have to like it or repeat, but it does excuse it...

bryan (3:07 PM): People are social creatures

bryan (3:07 PM): we need attenion to function

beth (3:07 PM): i had attention

bryan (3:07 PM): if our only source goes away, we can't deal

bryan (3:07 PM): how much, how much real attenion?

beth (3:07 PM): i was not working in a vacuum

bryan (3:07 PM): then what did you have?

beth (3:08 PM): not as much as i had been poiled with earlier and i couldnt deal

beth (3:08 PM): spoiled

bryan (3:08 PM): who was giving you attenion

beth (3:09 PM): i had two parents now- i had teachers who saw i was smart.

bryan (3:09 PM): you had 2 parents who were paying attenion to each opther

bryan (3:09 PM): and how close were you yto your teachers/?

beth (3:10 PM): i will not let myself get off so easily.

beth (3:10 PM): it is not an excuse.

bryan (3:10 PM): I can see that you aren't letting yourself off that easily, I am just trying to understand why you can;t let yourself use an excuse

bryan (3:11 PM): brb

beth (3:11 PM): because excuses themselves arent right. you simply take responsiblty for your actions and dont give any excuses.

bryan (3:19 PM): fine then, at leats acceopt that you were justified

beth (3:19 PM): nah that'd be letting myself off way to easily. it would negate all my hard work to change. plus- i wasnt.

bryan (3:21 PM): ok, then explain to me, other than the reasons you have already used, why you weren't

beth (3:21 PM): because it was selfish and inefficiant

beth (3:21 PM): if youneed attention you ask.

beth (3:21 PM): or wait.

beth (3:21 PM): or stop needing.

bryan (3:21 PM): But you can't stop needing, and if you do, it causes problems

beth (3:22 PM): but you can make it not viatl to you

beth (3:22 PM): vital

beth (3:22 PM): and you SHOULD

beth (3:22 PM): nothing should be that important, that abkle to hur tyou

bryan (3:22 PM): not without meessing yourself up a lot in the prosess

beth (3:23 PM): i dunno- one should be sefl reliant

bryan: you know that now

bryan: when you were going through this, I seriously dounbt you had trhe capability to deal with what you were feeling

beth (3:31 PM): it was not as big a deal as i made it- i am glad i have grown up differnetly.

bryan (3:31 PM): are lions self reliant as cubs? we are social by nature

beth (3:32 PM): snarf.

bryan (3:32 PM): that's fine... stop beating yourself up about it though

beth (3:32 PM): i am not i am behaving better.

bryan (3:33 PM): but you are not lettign yourself get over what happened in your yuouth, when you couldn;t do any better

bryan (3:33 PM): now you could, but at thetime, you did the best you could

beth (3:34 PM): i can listen to you but it doesnt remove how i feel when i remeber.

bryan (3:35 PM): Why do they try childrenm differently than adults? The aren't the same... I realize it prolly won't fix anything, but I am trying

beth (3:35 PM): i appreciate the thought, the effort and the comp[assion.

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