2001-05-30 - 10:21 p.m.

i lied. or ratgher orbert did. or whatever. he's not fired but he is applying to cracker barrel because he wants to quit becuase he is apperantly oding the job of four people. bummer.

but on the plus side i may have a plan for the next few days that would be sweeeeeet. i can hope. :)

-bsg-

also- apperantly the votes say sweetheart i the best name to call your dude or chick o' choice.

no one seems to care what you call a friend, except mark who has called me babe and kid most recently.

dunno. rock on world!

SPIDER ROBINSON'S _OFF THE WALL AT CALLAHAN'S_

a bunch of fun things were sent to me a *long time ago* by a friend of mine, and so i decided to put them up here. enjoy!

Why does a man try to comb hair over a bald spot? Is he afraid you'll fail to notice he's a jerk? --Maureen (last name unknown)

Callahan's Law: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.

Lady Sally's Law: Shared despair is squared; shared hope is cubed (or better: raised to the power of infinity?).

A person should live forever, or die trying. --Mike Callahan

We raise hopes, here...until they're old enough to fend for themselves. --Mike

Funny men are better lovers. They know about pain. --Josie Bauer

All purpose toast: "To all the ones who weren't as lucky." --Mike

Never wake a cop by dropping a .45 on the pavement next to him. --Joe Quigley

If you've got a hurt and I've got a hurt and we share them, some crazy how-or-other, we each end up with less than half a hurt apiece. --Jake Stonebender

Cheering someone up is a little like breast-feeding, or good sex: mutually satisfactory. --Jake

Pregnant women aren't sick. --Dr. Samuel Webster

Be a rapturist--the backward of a terrorist. Commit random acts of senseless kindness, whenever possible. --Jake

The delusion that one's sexual pattern is the Only Right Way To Be is probably the single most common sexual-psychosis syndrome of this era, and it is virtually almost always the victim's fault. You cannot acquire this delusion by observation of reality. --Lady Sally

Where I come from, anyone who says "Excuse me" is a human being. --Joe

People who wear glasses are lucky; we have stars on rainy nights. --Jake

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In our society, big lush women and small slight men go through life wrapped around a softball-sized chunk of pain; it breaks some, and makes others magnificent. --Jake

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Tyrrany has its place. Universal freedom would deny my right to restrict Jeffrey Dahmer's recreational and dietary habits. --Doc Webster

It claims to be fully automatic, but actually you have to push this little button here. --Gentleman John Killian

The only real perversions are nymphomania, satyriasis and celibacy...but even they should be permitted for members of a free society. The only sex-related acts I would proscribe--for reasons of public health--are those involving former food or former people, and lying about the state of one's venereal health or contraceptive status. --Lady Sally

A truce between the sexes? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND? What else IS there to distract us all from onrushing death? Television? --Jake

Art takes whatever--and as long as--it takes. --Lady Sally

What you put your attention on prospers. --Stephen Gaskin

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Sexual intercourse vests no property rights. --Jake

*************

Perhaps I could stand loneliness if I were not so useless; perhaps I could stand uselessness if I were not so lonely. --Mickey Finn

"You don't even know if our species are sexually compatible." "The hell I don't. I can see fingers and a tongue from here; anything else is gravy." --exchange between Mickey (an alien cyborg) and Mary Callahan

So many men seem to have the idea that what women secretly want most of all (no matter what we say, or even believe ourselves) is a powerful and remorseless engine of flesh impersonally hammering away at us without pause for hours at a time. They become upset with themselves if they cannot deliver this silly commodity. I don't mean that on the one occasion in my life when it actually happened to me, it was an UNPLEASANT experience, exactly. (Until I tried to get up and walk the next day.) It's just that maybe once in a lifetime is plenty. And I've never seen that guy since, don't much care if I do. I mean, you could buy a machine to do that. They exist. And women don't buy them. Neither do gay men. --Maureen

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think people can be subdivided into as few as two categories, and those who know better. --Doc Webster

Vengeance is counterproductive. Not to mention it gets your soul all sticky. --Lady Sally

If it's sloppy, eat it over the sink. --Tom Robbins

Now I remember where I know you from. I looked up "ugly" in the dictionary and they had a picture of you. --Long-Drink McGonigle to Doc Webster

We were not making love, were were fucking. Nothing wrong with that; just not enough right with it. --Maureen

I've been in hospitals. They take away your pants. Then they hurt you and starve you and expose you to disease. Then they bill you. A lot. --Joe

Try to live your life as though one distant day, your descendants will develop time-travel and cloning skills, and come back to resurrect everyone that ever lived who wasn't a jerk or a creep. Maybe at the end, when your whole life passes before your eyes, it's a high speed data dump. Endeavor to see that it makes you seem worth the trouble of reviving. Try to be the kind of guest they'll want at The Last Great, Never-Ending Party At The End of Time. It could happen, right? Do you know of a BETTER shot at immortality? --Sam Meade

God gave women buttocks because sooner or later they have to walk away from us, and at least this way there's some consolation. --Joe

Any man is willing to believe that he was the best you've ever had. He knew it all the time. --Maureen

One can dismiss out of hand any so-called religion that puts out death threats on satirists. It is self-evident that God enjoys rough humor. --Gentleman John Killian

Death to anyone wearing a turbine --racist graffito spotted in Surrey, British Columbia

Darling, ALL men think about rape, at least once in their lives. Women have an inexhaustible supply of something we've got to have, more precious to us than heroin...and most of you rank the business as pleasant enough, but significantly less important than food, shopping, or talking about feelings. Or you go to great lengths to seem like you do--because that's YOUR correct biological strategy. But some of you charge all the market will bear, in one coin or another, and all of you award the prize, when you do, for what seem to us like arbitrary and baffling reasons. Our single most urgent need--and the best we can hope for--is to get lucky. We're all descended from two million years of rapists, every race and tribe of us, and we wouldn't be human if we didn't sometimes fantasize about just knocking you down and taking it. The truly astonishing thing is how seldom we do. I can only speculate that most of us must love you a lot. --Mike to Lady Sally

If you're raped, don't charge the bastard with rape. Charge him with indecent exposure. It is MUCH easier to get a conviction for that charge than for rape. The defense is not allowed to ask ANYTHING about your sexual history or how you were dressed at the time. Forensic evidence is unnecessary. The total public embarrassment to you is cut more than in half. What's the guy going to do, leap up in court and say, "It's a filthy lie, Your Honor, I raped that bitch!" In many states, a man convicted of indecent exposure will actually draw more prison time than a rapist. And weenie-waggers do harder time than anybody but a short-eyes--in fact, the scheme sort of incorporates the Law of Talion. An eye for an eye... --Mary

You can learn as much about someone from watching them belly-laugh as you can from making love with them. --Joe

A writer's real occupational hazard is carpal tunnel vision. --Jake

The thing to do with a silly remark is fail to hear it. --Zebadiah J. Carter ( HEINLIEN!!)

The human race has few (if any) problems that couldn't be solved by massive wealth. And we're literally SURROUNDED by it, like a fly in amber. Now if we only had brains. --Ben Bova

Erections are certainly useful in pleasing a woman, but I've never understood why so many people seem to think they're essential. Sure, they're flattering--but a man who doesn't have an erection and still wants to make love to me, now that's flattering. --Arethusa

To approach telepathy, start with empathy and crank that up as high as you can. --Jake

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy --Mike Baron's _Badger_

A classic vicious circle: you don't love yourself enough, so you treat yourself so badly that it's hard for you to love yourself... Be good to yourself. Maybe the idea will catch on... --Les Glueham and Merry Moore "The Cheerful Charlies"

You got it, buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away... --Tom Waits

Antiabortionists fail to carry their philosophy to its logical culmination: Stamp Out Menstruation! End the Slaughter of Millions! (And try to ensure that the ratio of females to males runs several trillion to one, so that every sperm can fulfill God's Plan for it as well.) --Mike

Concerning whores: anyone who thinks it immoral or exploitive or dishonest to "pay a person to pretend to care about you" has obviously never flown first-class...or gone to a psychiatrist, or a hairdresser, or eaten in a restaurant...or talked to a bartender they didn't know. --Mike

Politically correct euphemisms are for the differently-brained. --Tanya

Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off. --Jake

Prostitutes function rather like priests for people who feel more comfortable confessing their sins while naked. --Father Newman

You can't eat half a piece of shit. --Mike

People who hang up on your answering machine without leaving any message--not even an apology for wasting your time--are the most cowardly of pickpockets. --Long-Drink

Fellow movie fans, I'm very sorry, but there is nothing you can do with a normal car to make it blow up. At most, you might start it burning. Falling off a cliff won't make a car blow up. Only a dissatisfied business rival or a stunt coordinator can do that. Pity the hundreds of spinal cases every year who were pulled from non-burning wrecks by move fans afraid of the "inevitable" explosion. --Noah Gonzalez, bomb-disposal technician

The pessimist sees only the darkness of the tunnel. The optimist sees only the tiny point of light in the distance. The realist knows that light is probably an oncoming train... --Long-Drink

You are the people. You are this season's people-- There are no other people this season. If you blow it, it's blown. --Stephen Gaskin

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Please consider yourself, now and henceforth, and no matter what anyone else ever asks of you, free to do any damned thing you want that doesn't hurt someone else unnecessarily. --Lady Sally McGee

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We were going to explore the Kama Sutra...but at the last moment, her Kama turned into a period...

Be he never so humble, there's no police like Holmes. --Bill White

The success of a pun is in the oy of the beholder.

Got a date with the doctor who did my vasectomy. She believes in reaping what she sews.

The buddhist hamburger joint: They'll make you one with everything.

The Hacker's burger joint: you can have chips with it.

The junkie's hot-dog stand: they'll sell you one with the works.

I know you'd like to screw like a bunny--but I just washed my thing, and I can't do a hare with it.

He acquitted himself well at the trial. Regrettably, the jury did not follow his example...

He learned about sex by trial and error. Now they've got him on trial for one or two of those errors... --Ronny Corbett

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line. -David Gerrold

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