2001-06-10 - 6:21 p.m.

whoa- long time no entry dudes. my bad. i was....busy? i dont know. two guestbook entries since i updated- scary shit.

so what have i been doing with myself? well i was my usual weekend self. i seriously live for weekends right now. like i love riding and barn stuff and all but man o man bryan does beat it all to hell. its so good its scary. like terrifying ly scary. he knows the highest praise he can give me and does.

I am being a person i like. a person i would want to hang out with, mostly. except for the whole huge guilt trip from makr because he feels bad when i never listen to his radio show. a. i 'm sorry b. sometimes circumstances prevent c. sometimes i have better things to do. because he's usually on on the weekend saturdays when i am bryan-ing. and bryan is a HIGH priority of atention when he's available. and often when he's not.

its creepy to think about someone when they arent around a LOT. i worry that i am creepy. or overly happy. but in the absense of clingy scaryness i have to presume I am doing this right. it feeeeeels good.

what percent of my happiness with bryan is the happiness of doing it right? relationship wise? honesty etc. acting in ways i admire. a small but nessecary percent i believe.

i think he knows too.

sorry this has ot be done.

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so we also went to bryans mom's house and visited megan who is one of the cooler people i'v met. not to diss bryans friends AT ALL but megan is the coolest person i know that he knows. that was backwards but you get it. they have 5 dogs, and there was this big dark whirling mass around my legs which was cool so i was laughing a lot.

plus i got to see P.O.I.-riffic which made me feel good. i know she gets attention but it cant hurt to pet her and sometimes pick her up and tell her she rocks. she's like the girl-glam-rocker-kittie. all joan jett in the eyes or soemthing. :)

(Poi, product of incest is one of bryans cats.)

today was the handicapped horse show and i wasnt needed too much so i missed a bryan day but. it was a duty. and i had fun and tanned and such. :)

OH! strapless bra's from vasserette or some one rock. like ROCK in the usa all padded a tiny bit and strapless and making me feel awsome and cute. i am feeling good.

please please please dont let this be a top of a really big roller coaster dive. i know ic ant tell when i;m on it but please dont let this be. its all stuff thats in the limits of fairness. no out otf bounds here- i am not making the situation happy its not my brain its the world and i am merely surfing along trying to stay calm and low so the fall wont be bad ( or pray not come at all)

yes there must be some downer sometime, a fight, illness, misfortune but let it not be me. let me surf.

-bsg-

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