2001-07-30 - 11:43 p.m.

read from the bottom up in sections- thats how i wrote this. sorry.

god i am silly someitmes. this whole wekend i;v felt realyl young and inexperienced and out of the loop

and htne debs glad list reallty drove it home especially after jens email and arthur and them talking baout

stuf fi dont know and magic i dont know and i feel fairly -different. not alone just little. i feel small. less

then good.

mORE! ALIEN ANT FARM LYRICS "Smooth Criminal" As he came into the window Was a sound of a

crescendo He came into her apartment He left the bloodstains on the carpet She was sitting at the table He

could see she was unable So she ran into the bedroom She was struck down It was her doom Annie, are

you OK Are you OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you

OK You OK You OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK Will

you tell us that you're OK There's a sign at the window That he struck you A crescendo, Annie He came

into your apartment He left the bloodstains on the carpet Then you ran into the bedroom You were struck

down It was your doom Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are

you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie You've been hit by You've been struck by

A smooth criminal So they came into the outway It was Sunday What a black day I could feel your

salutation Sounding heartbeats Intimidations Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are

you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK

You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK Will you tell us that you're OK There's a sign at the

window That he struck you A crescendo, Annie He came into your apartment He left the bloodstains on

the carpet Then you ran into the bedroom You were struck down It was your doom Annie, are you OK

You OK Are you OK, Annie You've been hit by You've been struck by A smooth criminal Annie, are you

OK Will you tell us that you're OK There's a sign at the window That he struck you A crescendo, Annie

He came into your apartment He left the bloodstains on the carpet Then you ran into the bedroom You

were struck down It was your doom Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK

You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Annie Annie, are you OK You OK

Are you OK, Annie

Oh and diane and spiro are syaing the l-word. as if i didint feel confused enough.

friend and more, his people are not really. I'mjust not there enough- not enough bonding time on futons or

shit like that and that hurts. like the jen emails. and so on. why havent i pissed deb off? she hasnt seen me

enough i dont know her well enough to do anything n i;m too much fo a wuss to even send the following

email to her. yes i am swinging back in forth on some emotional pendulum right now. dont know why. no

excuses right now. trying to stop. i am calm. just a bit dizzy.

Saw planet of the apes with bryan and company friday night. i as not lovely all weekend but i tired and i

vastly enjoyed bryan. i'm finally reaching a balance between accepting an uncertain future and all its

possibilities and enjoying the present and imagining the best.

so it turns out i was probabaly wrong. with doesnt negate a thing i thought or felt and it was cathartic to

write tso here it is. even if i dont exist why does my face have to be rubbed in it by the universe?

issue. i know its not really my issue at all so if i'm totolaly off base just forget this email and let me

continue to be someone who hasnt pissed you off.

oh and btw i WAS clueless until last night i DIDINT knwo about you and jen- so my apologies and i

hope i covered well. also my congradulations. :)

this brings me to my point. or closer. ( i;m having a minor feeling of "i shouldnt be saying this...")

Regardless of nay undertsnading or rules or limts of your relationship with jen it has to be the worst

feeling she has ever had. possibly one of the best too. i know i havent any knowledge of the spcifics but

no matter how one tries to limit their emotional involvemnt or wishs for attention it cannot be wholey

avoided. Specific situations such as yours, where a girl is secondary to her "girlfriends" primary

heterosexual relationship can be truly devastating.

Been there, done that.

No matter how much she enjoys you she cant accept only what you offer because it isnt what she needs.

and so everything you have could be tainted by her feeling of rejection, even as you're together, or worse,

her own anger at herself for feeling bothered by the situation. AGAIN I HAVE TO RESTATE- THIS IS

MY THEORY-

PROBABALY FLAWED.

She may be alternating between hurting you for attention and hiding from you a. so she can indulge her

annoyance at herself for behaving this way. b. in hopes you'll seek her out and c. to try and "wean" herself

from wanting you.

Do i sound crazy? I hope not. I really hope I;m wrong, too.

When it happened to me I was a senior in high school , she was a freshman named Erin, called Puck. Her

boyfriend was Matt. She really didint do anything wrong per se except try and do too much and be too

much to too many people. And i didint know how to limit myself. No one knows that without practice. So

i got burnt. badly. Havent thought of girls seriously since. which isnt fair. but its the worst feeling I ever

had- being more then nothing but not enough for her.

I believe this kind of situation CAN be handled well by all parties involcved to eveyrones beneift and not

pain. But i know i still cant do it and my conjecture is that jen isnt able either.

Our culture and society dont help us, obviously. Lovely women like you seem to naturally inspire emotion

in others as well as respect and affection. but no one tells us how to deal with this stuff. it gets messy and

unless we;ve seen it before the possibkle outcomes dont always occur to us.

ok i fele now a. i have said to much and overstepped my bound b. preached to you about things you

probabaly already know c. written too much so here is the end.

* i hope i'm wrong*

-bsg-

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