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2001-08-06 - 3:36 p.m. no i really am not. and i just found out i wont get paid at all for camp till the 30th of august. thats right folks- the day AFTER i go back to school. ok ok so i care na di'm upset and i'm sorry for making people mad but i HURT and i'm all alone and i dont even want to go wednesday night at all becuase i have to explain and the day i LEFT the lady i'll be boarding at was so snippy and heavy handed and scary and its hella hot and I"M SORRY 1. i got "Callahans Key" 2. i got myself 9 mini dice in rainbow sparkly colors. only one green. hrm. 3. did i mention i now have a working backpack? in khaki? in other words i spent money i dont have to make myself feel better but in the end i only feel worse. this is a lats summer episode- where i feel all isolated (gotta get off the email list so i dont have to hear what i cant do) and i wanted people to come here while my parents were away and play here so i could be a good host but now it wont happen and i just want to hide here alone till i go back to school or somehting. and cool things are allowed to not make sense when they are written lkate at night. i had forgetten that rule but havent i apologized enough? i really am quite bummed and disapointed in my behavior in general so you can forgive me and i wouldnt mind because it wont be possible for me to forgive myself. -bsg- i hate how the first time i apologize its never enough and as soon as i;m done i think of more, better ways to plead and say how abjectly pathetic i am and how i am not expecting nything and how msot of it was not directed at any one person and i hate how one perosn can be so important to me and make me feel so bad for missing them thats just not right no matter what and i need to believe it but i dont. prior mistakes future mistakes
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