2001-08-27 - 1:08 a.m.

right. so here I go. no matter what i write i'll want to change it in 15 minutes when i;m in bed and thinking of all the things i HSOULD have written here.

I was on vacation for the past week. With bryan. and his family. in north carolina.

So bryan came here thursday night and i went to work friday morning and then came home, showered and we left to toms river. To his grandparents house. but first we went to highland park to pick up his sister megan. ok so then we went to toms river. and stayed the night. and i slept in his sister courtney's bed because part of his fathers custody agreement from courtneys mom is no unmarried people sharing a room. anyways i slept quite well and at 7 am ish we got up and scrambled into vans, bryans dad, his step mother and sisters cioutnery and gracie in one van. bryan meghan and i in the other. stopped for bagels and then went to south er jersey to pick up his aunt chevonne and uncle dave and cousin briggitte. in their truck. then we spent about 9 to 10 hours in the van going south. and it wasnt bad at all :) megan is funny like kat was. which means nothing to you people but lots to me. so once we got to the island it was thunderstorming and very trafficy but we finally got there and to the beautiful house.

and i shared a room with megan but i had all my clothes in bryans room and i shared his abthroom. but i asked first. and so it went. the house was in a community rthat had an indoor pool, out door pool and an outdoor pool by the ocean as well as a life guard on the rpivate beach. and the house had a hot tub. :)

it rained for the first few days but that was ok. we chilled a lot. i got kissed goodnight and tucked in lots and woken up wiith sweetness too. which is really the ideal alarm clock.

and i had fun with courtney and gracie who are cool kids. and bryans dad is a person i admire and enjoy. as is angela his step mother. mostly i had judged thenm befor eon gracie and courtney 's behavior but now i saw them as themselves and they are good, and wise people. and megan is megan. very funny. very beautiful. very stylish and inteligent. and his aunt chevonne is an english teacher like my mom so we talked some about that. and brigitte is 13 or so and cute if hyper. and i didint talk too much to dave.

low points? playing genus trivial pursuit stuck between bryans dad who was a bit stiff with me on his team because - i dont know 100% but it wasnt BAD but on the other side was dave who was drinking beer which bpthers me to no end. the smell of beer. and the loud cheerfuloish man drinking beer, hard to explain- easy to freak me out evoking memories of scremsaing matches with robert. but i sruvivied without offending anyone i think.

and then friday i didnt feel too well so i kept ending up in bryans bed well he read or was elsewhere and courtney came in and told me about a thing on a cartoon show and was just generally nice. either way as soon as i slept enough i felt better. i had just started to stress out i think.

high points: mucho pool time with the girls and bryan too.

-hot tub time with byan. under the stars. where you feel so lucky and classic you forget to breathe.

and then more time with bryan in the hot tub. ;)

and more conversations edging around soething no one was saying.

- lots of firworks on the beach

- wild ponies!

-climbed a lighthouse:)

and one night on the beach, under stars, having just earned a point on the purity test for sex on the beach, a very good thing happened.

and i am scared to write it here because of these:

"pooh (5:16 PM): like LIKED you .. almost love i guess....i really cared about you"

"I'm also giving special shoutouts to Angel and Beth, 2 girls that I adore dearly. So if they're reading this, then this is for them: *KISS* Hey, what can i say? I like to kiss."

"Mark is still mark- to my infinite delight! "

but ....

ach isnt every time different? doesnt each feel right then? yes. this one feels right then. and in clinton. and in new brusnwick. and it feels right in the past 6 months. and it feels like it mgiht be right in the future. and that is different. and that is good.

and i am DESPRATELY trying not to degenerate into mushiness

but but but but but

the timing is right,

i trust and i have behaved in ways i am proud of, and i feela good baalnce between lust and emotion.

i hope i dont have to crige reading this in a few months but

he said he loved me.

which of course i knew.

but finally.

and he said it first.

and in such a way

a very thrilling way, and a very perfect place time etc.

and i decided i should see what happens next and admit that i love him. and of course ask to hear it again please because it is a fiiiine thing to hear.

havent the faintest idea why he thinks highly of me but i feel so happy with him and feel so much for him.

i really dont know what i mean or what he means but

i am not going anywhere. i will stay and investigate- i will enjoy and try not to worry too much.

I am my best self for him an dyet he has seen parts of me i am very ashamed of and thus he may have seen a fair sampling of al i am and i can still do things to please him. for lo he peases me mightily.

its 1:45 now and i ought to be abed.

so we drove back saturday and dropped megan off in HP and came to clinton for the ngitht hen sunday we gamed in NB whee! and then here i am

i move back wednesday. i hope i am not missing naything that will be vital later

if it gets better then this dont tell me.

-bsg-

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