2001-12-06 - 9:54 p.m.

I watch these vietnam documentries. I know why.

The footage, the pictures the non existant chance that I might see a face, the thick glasses the I imagine.

Maybe just by watching its honoring him.

Maybe I'll see a friend of his, someone who knew his name.

They're so few.

So tonight I saw nothing. I may have missed it. I may be deluding myself into looking for a scrap I'll never get.

I watch, and I read. Occasionally I search the internet for his name. As if by someone else keeping his name he would still live, somehow.

I hope I don't think men are unstable elements of my life. I hope I am not looking for a father figure. I hope I will be able to treat sons -- I don't know- healthily? Sanely?

You men are such a problem for me.

I want you and miss you, I identify with you and yet, you don't exist for me. You fade in and out of reality as long as I believe in you only.

It's not a big deal at all.

I really don't think about it all that much.

But I watch. I admit I hope.

I wonder if she does too.

This universe is too big for it not to hold some other scrap of him for me.

Or for her.

But damn

I would share

because I should

But damn

nothing of him for me.

I mean ONLY for me.

Maybe thats impacted other parts of my life. I want someone to have parts of himself only for me. Its stupid and jealous and immature but

I never got it and I miss it.

I know other people have much worse lives. Never knowing who their parents were. Being unloved.

I have some pictures, some answers, some books, some genes, a shirt that says "Second Annual SouthEast Asian War Games".

So I watch.

Just in case.

-bsg-

beth STEPHANie goldberg

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