2002-04-02 - 12:18 a.m.

somewhat different mood from last time I updated.

Holocaustic. When you spend time online reading, can't decide if you're fascinated or revolted, scared, sick, because there is so much information out there.

And it could happen again.

and you see the mass graves, the walking skeletons, read about the torture, torture starvation, emotional pain and loss, the devastation...

you can't help but be greatful it wasn't you.

I'm afraid when my kids come home in 4th or 5th grade and ask me about the holocaust I will traumtize them

because its horrific

obviously.

I;m afraid I'm traumatizing myself. Because it could have been me. Its so achingly eerily familiar, the faces and the fears.

I asked bryan the other day if it was different, if it wasn;t your family, if it wouldn't have been you. He says it is one degree away, scary too, but less personal.

I take it personally. I wonder and hope someday I'll wander across a son of a son of a Cohen and be able to say one of my great grandmothers 13 siblings lived. Somebody like me.

I look at Anne Frank and wonder. I went to Hebrew School with a girl who looked just like her. What do you say?

There are people much better equipped then I who have devoted their lvies to documenting and preserving the lives and stories of survivors. What can I do? What should I do? I can't say to a survivor or child of a survivor that I feel their pain. I honestly cannot imagine it. The pain I have is as great as I can conceive.

If it were to happen here ( and believe me, with Mrs. Reeds on the loose it definetly could.)and they said "Oh, if you don;t celebrate Shabbos you don't have to die" I might go anyway. Not if I had children, or family. But if it were just my choice, I would like to be able to give that and identify that way.

Is it sick? You either dwell on it or try and supress it. Sometimes I let it unwind and be mourned. Nights alone, quiet, I let horror out and accept it. Try and get a handle on the most infathomable atrocity.

Fail. Wish I was a better person. and go to bed.

-bsg-

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