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My Last Thesis Journal

Le Mage Journal

2002-05-30 - 10:38 p.m.

Sunday, September 24, 2000

I wrote this to Bajor:

here i go again..i write simply because i can- no reason at all. :)

cassia says hi- she lives a few doors down from me. just checking to

see if you're living, breathing, sane, still a place of refuge for we

lost wanderers out here in never never land.

in other words i miss you.

-bsg-


Today. 2+ years later he writes back:

Hello, Yes still sane still pushing Heinlein on the confused and

dazed stop by any afternoon and update me your academic and personal growth.


It took me a few hours to figure it out. Or at least get a theory.

Because I refuse to believe I merit such a dry letter. Such an empty one, so late. There are words between the lines. ABout his wife. And his step daughters. About the current students. About the danger I represent simply by missing him.

Will he think I am fat?

That I have gotten dumb?

That I have sold out?

I may chicken out. Or I may go tomorow. Friday.

I know what I can't do. I can't go back to what we were. It will be weird. I'll hug him. I won't cry. I won't ask what took so long, I won't ask if he still loves me. I won't try and condense three years into a few statements abnout the "life I've lived" because truth is he that he has lived more. I will try and be to him what I can;t be to my mother. Try and remind him. If he'll let me.

Unless its too late. And he never loved me. And he has forgotten me. Or finds me unbeautiful.

He was a father type figure, he was the male Taiya in my life. I owe him so much. so many failed experiments, so much knowledge.

For that matter Puck is all his fault.

I won't go that road though. I won't blame him for the heinlien, the robbins, the availability of knowledge and the possiblity of

love I guess. But I mea it like free love, like sex, like having frineds of all kinds.

I owe him Annie, Kat, Kerry, Keith ( keith....), even Alex Spencer, I owe him a silver bullet or two.

I won't cry.

If it is too awkward that will be it.

I don't know what I expect.

I don't want to have slid into anonimity and be just a former student. Just someone who as smart.

It was in his space that I went blind. And I did not panic.

His space saved me, often. He is just a man. Past his prime.

Oh a joke. The year before I met bajor he cut his 2+ foot hair. And we know how I like long hair. sigh.

the joke of his name being Robert. the impossibility of calling him anything. Names fail me. Baje, Bajor, Mr. Bajor.

Yes, that IS bajor like Bajorans of star trek. Ask me about it sometime.

Looking back I have no idea if i am becomiug ( it would be too presumptuous to say have become) a person he will admire. My charity, my adherence to charity and safety. I wish I could just download everything I have learned and read.

I still read things and think he would like them but I dont know how to tell him that.

and I dont know if tomorow will work.


Why now? Two years is not

he couldnt have just gotten the email

he couldnt have seen me

no one knows i am back in clinton really.

He could have just finaized a divorce, gotten remamrried. been really happy. Decided it was safe now,. Enough time had passed.

Am I being romantic enough?

I have the unfortunate capacity to love people long gone from my life. This changes nothing of bryan and I except that if it is still as it was I have

another member for my harem.

It's not, even in retrospect, a love like mine for bryan. It is a love of someone else. thus different. it is a less sexual love. A less safe love. it is a more family love, less of romance.

Safety would be that it has aged into a dear family friend love.

But then why so dry a email?

No love there.

Thus bespeaks something waiting. For reassurance. A hug.

I hope I do not fail this task.

Or fuck something up.

Would it be too stupidly sentimental to wear the bullet? Would it have too many puck overtones?

-bsg-

prior mistakes future mistakes


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