2002-06-11 - 10:57 p.m.

yay for rampant Mom-bonding.

Saw Alexa Offenhauer yesterday. I think I may actually have no more resenment left for her. Well it was never even her as much as my entire age group in the area.

Because of my appalingly awful body and outspoken, bossy bitchy nature.

Lets just be honest here for a moment, shall we? I am AGAIN at my peak weight. and by peak I mean most. Just like in high school. and just like in college.

I stepped on the scale for the first time a month. Bad decision. A whole life of bad decisions in regards to that area.

How in the name of god bryan can eat with me, sleep with me, or love me is beyond my comprehension. I disgust myself. I feel like I should just do something drastic and easy like surgery or drugs or dexatrim.

All I need to do is watch what I eat. Really. Watch it. Look at it on the plate, in the cup, watch my hand move it to my mouth, feel it decompose and congeal in my mouth and think.

I know its a problem. Of real proportions. Like some mental thing where I fear bryan will die or leave me so I have to scare him away with my obesity.

here: some humor to distract you from my gross self:

Most "feminine products" are designed to eliminate odor and WETNESS. Its like some women want to look unresposive or frigid. Odor can be an issue, sure. But I personally wouldn't sacrifice wetness. Its useful!

Whatever. Hate self. Correction: Hate body. Love self. Wish self were pretty enough so everyone would love self. Wish self were skinny enough to be pretty. Correction ( again ): wish self were of even reasonably normal proportions enough to be pretty.

Stupid slut.

Waste of air.

this body has ISSUES.

Me, and myself however are going to bed. I always make it a practice to sleep close to the ones I love.

-bsg- aka: bessie the most huge girl on earth.

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