2003-09-30 - 11:06 p.m.

Teeny tiny ripped places on my heart

Little paws prints out of my life

A little helping hand here, a little love, a little time spent making nice.

And now it's quieter. There's no ball o'fuzz (tm) boucning around when I go to the bathroom.

No one really cares if I turn on the tub water to drip.

I

want/longfor/need/desire/deserve/witherwithout

a project animal.

I need to mean something to someone.

Which is a kind of funny thing for a person with 4 cats a dog and a horse to say.

They're all done though. The hard part is over, they like me, need me, want me, whatever.

I have been so good, I gave away a piece of myself tonight and I don't see anyone telling me how it is ok to miss her. Ok to be sad. How I did a good thing, how I now deserve a reward for such a good deed.

Because of course the universe doesn;t work that way.

Only food does.

And that just is the wrong way to look at things.

So no rewards for this act right now.

It always comes back to me- some good thing will show up eventually, some thing so good I will doubt I deserve it.

Free board? Relationship? Love? Friendship? Money?

I have gotten a thousand iuinexpected gifts from the universe for every small good thing I did.

For the unselfish things.

Goodbye Nermalkin. If you need me Cody knows where to bring you. ANd Fuzzy will be nice to you. You can have a kitten-things friend now.

Tre bien.

But I miss you.

And there are 280 cats and kittens at the local shelter. And I can't bring anything home.

-bsg-

P.S. Creepy moment of the night? Fuzzy in mesh cat carrier bag on dining room table. Nermal in hard cat carrier on table. Punky in white gift bag on table (ashes). Did not tell Cody what/who was in the bag.

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