2004-08-20 - 11:45 a.m.

The Ideal Receptionist:

And other unemployed creatures

Prologue ( Job # minus-1)

I had been working at a horse farm in the cold windy boonies of New Jersey for only 4 months, but somehow I had already figured out that my boss and her cronies were not exactly dealing with clients on the up and up. The farm was "Summer Stabling Inc." and they rented facilities on someone else's proerty. Mind you within the four motnhs I had been there this was the second facility they have been at. Mysterious and unbelievable cirecumstances surrounded their self-exile from the previous location.

I had been hired on the spot when I was driving around looking at stables and for jobs my last semester of college. I only had one class to take ( and a tiny honors thesis to write) and I wanted to earn some money.

Without even asking for refernces I was hired as a stable-hand. Who doesn't want another set of hands around in January, I told myself. I guess I just walked to walk and talked the talk well enough. I was in charge of helping riding students get ready for lessons, keeping everything running safely, being a 'voice of authority' over the millions of tweens running around kissing the ponies and occasiaonlly pitch in in cleaning stalls and the like.

In April as yet another solid poop ball stuck to my stiff jeans ( soaked then frozen solid when I had to dump water troughs) I reminisced about my hopes for this job when I had first started.

I expected to arrive in morning well appointed in a polo shirt and clean jeans (no holes) and riding boots. After a quick glance at the assignemnt board I would hop on my first ride of the day, then lovingly brush out every sweaty hair before lunging a horse or two, or teaching yearningly earnest little girls how to become polished perfect riders on beatiful and clean ponies.

The truth was my days looked more like this:

6:30 am Wake up. Fiancee looks at me and groans. I groan back and get dressed in whatever clothes are at hand in the dark.

7:30 am (ish) Arrive at farm. Check and make sure all of the horses and ponies are still alive, since they havn't seen a person since I left at 9 pm last night. Barring incident I intend to feed grain.

7:40 am Scream internally at whomever failed to make breakfast grain up after they fed last night. Make up breakfast grain for 28 horses and try not to give the wrong medicines to the horses who are allergic to everything.

8:00 am Feed grain to each horse.

8:20 am Make up dinner grain for obviously ungreatful subordinate worker who can't possibly be bothered to learn which horse eats what or anything.

8:40 am Intend to turn out horses one or two at a time. Instead end up being dragged all over the property by an overzealous mare who weighs 12 times as much as I do and has a "thing" for the pony stallion next door. Finally manage to herd her into the right field and turn her out. Limp back to the barn on sore foot as huge cow-arsed mare stepped on it in rush to breed ugly foals.

9:00 am Coworkers begin to arrive. Expect them to grab a horse and help, but instead they all hide in HEATED office and smoke; hungover. Grab a pair of ponies and drag them out to keep the cow-arsed mare company in her field. Cow-Arse is so excited to see them she won't move away from the gate, stands there hopping and whinneying. Ponies want to get past her into the field to the last tiny frozen niblets of grass, yellow though it is.

9:15 am Manage to push Cow-arse away from the gate far enough to squeeze tiny ponies it and free them. Say quick prayer of thanks to who ever decided NOT to turn cow-arse out with other big huge animals.

10 am Finish turning all horses out in paddocks. Hunt down coworkers and insist they begin to clean stalls while I bring the tractor in.

10:05 am Curse the tractor that won't start. Grab wheel barrow.

10:15 am Remove all manure and urine soaked shavings from 12 stalls. Apply the removed muck liberally to my own body, down my shirt, in my hair and best of all, in my mouth at every oppurtunity.

11:30 am Carry all half-FULL water buckets from stalls and dump nasty wet half-chewed hay and grain and water. Rinse, repeat 2 times per horse or pony. Return buckets to stalls and begin defrosting the hose.

12:00 noon. Put a few flakes a lovely fresh sticky sneeze inducing hay in every stall.

12:15 Check horse. Still frozen. Sneak off with co-workers to grab a hot lunch at a podunk Diner.

12:30 Meet other equine professional at Diner and keep mouth shut as co-workers do an excellent impression of being serious amture equestrians, discussing shows and ailements and students in depth.

12:40 Co-workers and other equine pro's begin to pull out entire scrap books and compare horses they each have for sale "just in case" the other has a client interested in their broken down nag-of-a-different-color-who-could-win-eveything-around-with-the-right-bit-rider-trainer-shotgun. Basically.

1:00 Arrive back at farm. Check hose. Still frozen. Steal oppurtunity to sit in heated office and return phone calls etc.

-more later

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