2001-07-07 - 9:27 p.m.

Here is what i have been keepoing in my desktop notepad for months now. converstaions and such.

"On another note, I think I have made my feelings for Beth clear before, but let me say some things again... I REALLY like Beth... She takes care of me, and pets me, and will go out to dinner with me even when she isn't hungry, just because I want to go. She is fun in bed... Oh yes, she is... Very much so... She just keeps trying to make me happy, which is nice to have..."

-bryan

Bryan (3:48 PM): as long as I get to hang with you, I will be happy

"if we didnt hang out for a week, i wouldnt be your friend anymore." its a misquote but oh well.

this from the person who rejected me. yes i know i have a bad habit of making one person more central than others in my life but i'm trying not to. mark- i hope this is your jealous side becuase right now i dont like hanging out with you. its no fun to feel always wrong. I do appreciate you telling me my bad habits and flaws but there is a limit. I am not just admiting my flaws and acting like admiting them makes it ok. I am trying but thats not good enough. I am not making and grand sweeping statements of ultimatums - we're friends, we're beyond that. But friends want each other to be happy. i want you to be happy. but not at the cost of my own happiness. fine, bryan will get tired of me and i'll be utterly alone again. I'v been there before. It will suck. but i refuse to deny myself a chance at someone i like for fear of future unhappiness that isnt guarenteed to come true.I will continue to do the best by you i can, barring my patetic lack of reason logic or morality. now its my turn to need a friend.

Bryan (6:28 PM): page me later... we figure out what s gpoign to happen... I want you to come over tonight

Love and sex get so tied up together and confusing sometimes. Let me tell you how I experienced it. The first guy I slept with? Didn't love him. Knew I never would. Complete pig. Cheated on me, pushed me around, the whole bit. But I went ahead and slept with him anyway, even though I didn't love him, because I wanted to get it over with, because I wanted to have sex -- to see what everyone kept talking about and obsessing over. Eventually, I found out about his umpteen other chicks on the side and dumped him, and then a few months later... ...I fell in love for the first time. At first, the guy got on my nerves, but I put up with him for a few weeks, and then one night we went to a summer carnival, and it started to rain, so we headed back to his house and hung out in his living room and listened to Depeche Mode, and I had a shirt of his on because mine had gotten soaked, and we just lazed around and talked about everything and nothing, and I went home that night and smelled the smell of him on my shirt, and I couldn't lie still in bed, and I couldn't keep a thought in my head, and I didn't know what the hell had happened to me but I couldn't wait to see him again, to hear his voice, to know that he existed somewhere on the earth, and it had just started to get light out when I sat bolt upright in my bed and said out loud, "Dude. DUDE. I'm in love with him. I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM." Let me put it another way. Love is like having someone's arms around you when they aren't even there. You'll know it when you feel it, and it sounds to me like you do feel it. You're just unsure of why, and nervous that it might be because you slept with him. But sex can deepen and strengthen an emotional bond between two people. Sometimes, after you've shared that with another person, you feel more strongly towards them; the balance of caring for them is tipped towards something more. There's nothing wrong with that. I didn't feel that way about my first, but when I got around to sleeping with my first true love...hell yes. And there's nothing wrong with your feeling nervous about saying The Three Words either, but you've gotta go sometime. You love him. Why doesn't matter -- tell him, and enjoy the ride.

bsg (5:19 PM): i belive it should be nap time. very relaxing naps are.

Bryan (5:19 PM): yes, they are

bsg (5:19 PM):

Bryan (5:19 PM): naps with ppl are better

bsg(5:20 PM): well thats a given. even if you just sleep its good to be close and more comfortable and such

Bryan (5:20 PM): yeah

bsg (5:20 PM): aww now i want one. :P

Bryan (6:39 PM): you don't remember the meanings for the ring in which way do you?

bsg (6:40 PM): i do actually.

Bryan (6:40 PM): ah, so that is why you did not want to see how I was wearing it?

bsg (6:40 PM): yup.

Bryan (6:41 PM): why are you scared of either answer?

bsg (6:42 PM): not scared just no need to know. or scared. either i'v made a good impression and i can be sillyhappy or i havent made a good enough impression and i have to work harder. or rethink.

Bryan (6:42 PM): so should I just tell you

Bryan (6:42 PM): ?

bsg (6:43 PM): not nessecary.

bsg (6:43 PM): i did find mine tho

Bryan (6:43 PM): are you wearing yours?

bsg (6:43 PM): never knew what it was before

bsg (6:43 PM): i am indeed

Bryan (6:43 PM): how are you wearing it?

bsg (6:43 PM): its too small for the ring finger so i;m wearing it on my pinkie finger.

bsg (6:44 PM): :P

Bryan (6:44 PM): lol

bsg (6:44 PM): (delibratly not helpful)

bsg (6:44 PM): but its a bit too big there

bsg (6:44 PM): so i shold put it on a chain or something i guess

Bryan (6:44 PM): no, you should leave it on your finger

Bryan (6:44 PM): brb

bsg (6:44 PM): ok

bsg (6:45 PM): i am not offering my heart to the world, since i believe that is what you were asking.

Bryan (6:47 PM): basically you are not advertising as single

bsg (6:48 PM): correct.

Bryan (6:48 PM): which is crown ou

Bryan (6:48 PM): out even

bsg (6:48 PM): yup.

Bryan (6:48 PM): which is how I am wearing mine

Bryan (6:48 PM):

bsg (6:48 PM): oh.

bsg (6:49 PM):

Bryan (6:49 PM):

Bryan (6:49 PM): were you surprised

Bryan (6:49 PM): ?

bsg (6:49 PM): yes actually.

Bryan (6:49 PM): I hope not

Bryan (6:49 PM): lol well, I guess I am keepign you on your toes

Bryan (6:49 PM): brb

bsg (6:49 PM): exactly. :P

bsg (6:49 PM): k

Bryan (6:51 PM): lol now was that so hard to hear?

bsg (6:51 PM): YES! :P

Bryan (6:52 PM): because you weren;t sure what I was going to say, or were sure I was goign to say something else?

bsg (6:52 PM): wasnt sure what you would say. i had a feart that a. youwould try to keep me off balance or b. i was scaring you or c. you wanted to be free

Bryan (6:53 PM): I though of a joke, but it would just be cruel, not funny

Bryan (6:53 PM): and now I forget what it was

bsg (6:53 PM): oh no! i was gonna say its not cruel if you only tell just not perform it...:P

Bryan (6:54 PM): lol so if I just remembered (because it annoyed me that I forgot about it) and told you as am example of one I think would be mean more than funny, you would want to hear it

Bryan (6:54 PM): ?

bsg (6:54 PM): yes so i can be amused to P

bsg (6:54 PM):

Bryan (6:55 PM): lol OK, it was very simple, but over IM it looses something

bsg (6:55 PM):

Bryan (6:55 PM): "I don't have time for to nbe free and have anyone else"

Bryan (6:55 PM): imagine it said with a flat face and voice

bsg (6:55 PM): time for to be?

Bryan (6:55 PM): ignore the for

Bryan (6:56 PM): brb

bsg (6:56 PM): oooh - true- very cruel intentionsesque even.

bsg (6:58 PM): :

bsg (6:58 PM): sorry, had to get that out.

Bryan (7:04 PM): lol is ok

bryan (3:29 PM): hey, what does mindy look for in a guy? I may have a friend for her...

bryan (3:30 PM): and he needs something so he can get over his ex

bsg (3:30 PM): i got yelled at last night, i am no t allowed to just "offer her" to anyone

bryan (3:30 PM): lol Wasn;t suggesting that, but was tryign to see if they would work together

bsg (3:31 PM): i got YELLED at

bryan (3:31 PM): badly I guess

bsg (3:31 PM): yeah i got the point. trauma

bryan (3:31 PM): ?

bryan (3:31 PM): no questin mmark

bsg (3:32 PM): *hug*

bryan (3:33 PM): I guess it was talking, and not IMming?

bsg (3:33 PM): yup

bsg (3:33 PM): the phone

bryan (3:33 PM):

bsg (3:34 PM): basically i got verbally reamed. so i am apropriatly chastened.

bryan (3:34 PM): ah

bryan (3:34 PM): even though you explained why youu said what you said

bsg (3:34 PM): yes

bryan (3:34 PM):

bsg (3:34 PM): it happens

bryan (3:37 PM): does she mind if you try to set hher up with someone?

bsg (3:37 PM): i dont thnk i'll be bringing up the subject for a few dyas

bryan (3:37 PM): I figured not, but I wanted to ask

bsg (3:39 PM): taking the purity of mind test

bryan (3:39 PM): lol

bryan (3:39 PM): cool

bryan (3:40 PM): why was she so offended?

bsg (3:40 PM): mostly becuase i was hypocritical

bryan (3:41 PM): why?

bsg (3:41 PM): 56.5%mentlly pure

bsg (3:41 PM): why was i hypocritical becuase i didint tell YOu not to flirt with her buti asked her to keep it chill with you

bryan (3:41 PM): ah

bryan (3:42 PM): if anything, it was youu trying to test my interest with a minimum of outside influence

bryan (3:43 PM): which is understandable

bsg (3:43 PM): not at all

bryan (3:43 PM): that was how it seemed to me

bsg (3:43 PM): you truly are free to do as you like with no complaints from me -

bsg (3:43 PM): but

bsg (3:43 PM): thats becuase i dont care to ask you not to

bsg (3:43 PM): i could ask mindy

bsg (3:43 PM): so i didi

bryan (3:44 PM): how do you meann care to ask?

bsg (3:44 PM): i don't wish to ask that of you-

bryan (3:44 PM): ok

bsg (3:44 PM): i'm not sure its makign sense

bsg (3:45 PM): its my very twisted code of self action including what i can and cannot ask of tohers

bryan (3:45 PM): it does, and youur reasoning even makes sense

bsg (3:45 PM): depnding on ho they re, what i think of them and so on

bsg (3:45 PM): oh

bryan (3:46 PM): not sure I could come up with a same example in my life, but I understand what you are saying

bsg (3:46 PM): ok.

bryan (3:47 PM):

bsg (3:47 PM): enough grinning time for nonplussed

Thats the stuff i stare at and care nough to keep near. and there's someother stuff i'm not putitng in to protect myself.

-bsg-

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