2001-10-08 - 3:05 p.m.

last night i had to bleed to sleep.

too wired, tired, stressed and scared to rest

and i tried expending the energy productively but it wasnt too effective

thats what bryan did

endorphins and guilt assuaged etc i could sleep

this never happened to me before

where you can't even try to relax you're so busy thinking in the first person

i am still tired, still declaring next monday a mental health day till 4:30 when i have to turn in a paper, a mental health day i dont want to ake alone btw (hint to the man whose mother is insane)

yeah that was fun.

"Bryan loves you so very much that i have to make you a christmas present"

no

no no no no no no

i have my own family

my own dysfunctional family

and yes i would like to be with bryan at christmas

but

i get a say in it

and i dont want to get married

or cohabitate

i am happy ( if tired and stressed ) right now

the way things are

i dont want to know if it gets better-

i dont need anymore

i am not allowed to be happier :P

i'm too functional for myself as it is

and i hope i will feel better soon.

because i love bryan. and he isnt happy when i am unhappy.

and i would sing him the harvey song if i would sing, but i wont.

on the other hand

in latin where i am allergic to the classroom i went thourgh 10 tissues today- heavy duty soft ones- such amazing amounts of STUFF coming out of my nose

i wonder if its too much built up horniness or tears or something?

so anyways

sign my notes, or guestbook. please.

and distract me from the mindless routine i live through when i wander all over alone

and.

not related.

:)

-bsg-

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