2002-05-28 - 6:17 p.m.

well, here's the obligatory birthday diary entry.

21 this time. good grief!

Here's the highlights from the past two birthdays. Maybe three. Not sure what I am about to find.

2001:

its been a bit of a awful day so far what with cleaning up bryans kitchen and lawn but it should get better.

i am old. but i rock.

also bryan helped me think a thought i kinda think might be true that subconsciously my mother blames me for my fathers death ie he went down after the elation of finding out she was pregannat to being depressed and OD'ing. and maybe i suibconsciously beleive her and thus a guilt complex is born?

who knows.

bryan says he wants to keep me around. i laugh because i am happy he says this- but he knows i agree. :)

2000:

birthday day dear hearts! 19. woo. hoo. I put mark on a train home at noon.

re: mark- its very odd, he doesnt miss a thing- he pays attention- which i admire and appreciate, but he sometimes acts weird- he has a lot of pride. He's way too nice to me, i dont deserve him, and someday he;ll notice. I have to go now- but you get the picture right?

My birthdays seem to be a lot of me talking about the boys. this won't be any exception. Bryans dad, stepmom and two sisters ( of the three) and paternal grandparents came to my party. As did my paternal grandmother and great grandmother, my maternal gradnmother, some of roberts family, assorted other family and a few friends. Diane, Deb, Sam etc.

We had lots of food.

and I am 21.

itrymybest keeps talking about how this is the biggest body of work she;s ever produced. I totallyu agree. its so intimifdating to have the past 2+ years of your life online.

someone could see it fer gods sakes!

Someone could see my insanity day by week for a long time as I flit from boy to boy to class to complaint and all my Harvey travails.

got lots of flowers. :)

work is going exceptionally- I love getting paid to ride around outside for hours with nice people and horses.

it was just odd to intermingle my family with bryan's. Jenny BN. just got engaged. this was the same kind of weirdness. Like delcaring our serious intentions. The more I notice this the more reassurance I seem to need that I am not the only one seeing some future here.

Even if I am alsways the one in denial.

I was too tired to stay up and listen to my song last night. A year without a song. I could just pick one or make one up.

My mom is really happy for me. Till I reminded her we probably haver do the exact same thing next year for graduation.

SO I have seen bryan a lot. Like a lot a lot. and he has a robe here. His toothbrush is here, his electric razor, a tee shirt. and he isn't. I'd quite prefer him.

I am so scared. To be serious, to be commited, to be straight, to be honest, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My present from DebAprilJosh was very very cool. Mostly because I am sugar ADDICT but I was pleased. And seldom am I that comfortable with food, or presents. Ya'll must be getting to me! (hehehe)

Diane and Spiro left early too because it was mostly family and hot and they had a long drive. So no cake for them.

and tonight Bryan and I will chill here, maybe drink champagne, have some cheeeeeeeesecake and be loverly.

and i am already halfway through the book form diane/spiro and its REALLY GOOD! not that I am surprised. but its just really engaging and cool.

I felt totally beautiful a lot of this weekend. Probabaly because bryan was here a lot, telling me if often. and he'll b back tonight, AND tomorow night!@!

Now if I could get the Harvey thing sorted out I would feel a bit better.

I still feel great. Huge but beautiful and great.

Yes, it is possible.

LOOOoooooOOOOooooooOOOOVE!

-bsg-

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